Small Words

Tonight, on a busy Friday at the HomeGoods store, the police in Columbus, Ohio, blocked a woman’s car. There are four officers and a trained dog, apparently at the scene to apprehend a woman for shoplifting. I suppose she was in the back of one of the four formidable police vehicles, because I didn’t see her. Her car was overwhelmed by men in uniform. One is very scrawny and young – he looks embarrassed, maybe because the paying customers who were leaving the store, myself included, were gawking at the spectacle they had made. They had rummaged through her car and pulled out a floppy mauve purse, which they were ransacking, and a HomeGoods reusable shopping bag. This one had an adorable Halloween skull with girly rose flourishes and pastel pink trim. I associate these reusable bags with HomeGoods; they are very cute, the designs change seasonally, and most importantly, you can look at them when you are waiting in the endless check-out lines (another thing I associate with HomeGoods). Which means these bags are also in full view of the cashiers. It should be pointed out that, whatever her crime, she could not have shoplifted the cute eco-friendly bag.

Anyway, three of the men are parting the lips of the mauve bag and pulling things out. How many cops to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know, but it takes three cops to open a purse. And I guess another to hold the flashlight. They seemed dismayed not to be pulling out Rolex watches or designer earrings. They must not have been to a HomeGoods before; nothing small is over seven dollars. I mean, sure, a velvet storage bench will set you back sixty to seventy-five bucks, but I don’t imagine this woman could heft it out the front door without help – let alone in stealth mode. Today, I bought thirteen plus pounds of merchandise (I weighed it), and it cost me $3.23 per pound, or less than the cost of one pound of ground turkey. Someone should tell her to go to the grocery store for the real expensive stuff. Think of all the toiletries, over-the-counter medicine, seasoning bottles, and butter she could fit into that floppy bag of hers. She could easily fit a hundred dollars’ worth of groceries in the same space my purchase of cheap tapas dishes would occupy.

Not saying this woman didn’t steal anything, I am saying the police spent a lot more money on the dog, the four salaries, and the gas to get four black SUVs to the scene of the crime.    

I am saying I didn’t like seeing four men fingering a woman’s pink purse for stupid reasons.